men, sex and shame

I have a message for men this week.

It’s Ok to need sex as an expression of love. It’s Ok to want sex everyday. It’s healthy to have fantasies, to think about sex often, to want to act on those thoughts.

Men are often taught to feel shame around their sexual desires from an early age. Parents who discourage masturbation, a society that acts as though men can’t be trusted to manage their most base desires, partners who refuse to hold a safe place for exploration or acting as though desiring sex every day is wrong, all encourage men to think that somehow their sexual appetites are shameful, selfish and wrong.

No wonder many men feel guilt, suffer from sexual dysfunction and fail to experience sex as the blissful union that comes from having a deeply connected and intimate relationship.

Let’s follow a young man through his life and explore how he reached this point of pre-emptive disconnection around sex and relationships.

As a baby and toddler he discovered his penis at an early age, learnt that having his hand on it felt safe and secure, learnt that it got hard occasionally and that mummy would take his hand away or as he got older tell him not to touch himself “down there”, this escalated to the point that mummy would act very displeased if he touched himself when they were out in public or if they had company at home.

He learns that there must be something wrong with his penis.

As he moved into boyhood he learnt that his penis not only got hard, but that he could make it hard by touching himself and it FELT GOOD!, however the message about touching himself was still strongly reinforced so he confined touching to the shower and in bed at night.

He moves into his teenage years and discovers that sometimes his penis gets hard when he doesn’t particularly want it to, if he plays with it, it not only gets hard and feels good, but that he can experience an extreme burst of pleasure and he can ejaculate. This is the most pleasure he’s experienced in his life to date. Suddenly he’s in love with the appendage between his legs. On the down side he’s also discovered that he can’t leave ejaculatory fluid on his sheets because it’s embarrassing if mum finds it when she washes his bed clothes. More to feel shame about.

Around this time he discovers that there is some secret relationship between a hard penis and pretty girls with budding breasts. He finds himself in embarrassing situations relating to his penis often.  He hears stories about sex and “doing it” with a girl. He’s unsure of exactly how that’s supposed to work but he’s eager to be in a position to try.

He finally orchestrates his chance and after lots of kissing, touching and feeling all his companions moist places he manoeuvres himself to get his very eager penis to align with her vagina….lines it up, slowly pushes it inside, takes a second to think “OMG this is what it’s all about” before spurting his load and it all being over in 30 seconds. DAMN, sure hope she doesn’t tell her friends about this. He already has the sense that perhaps there was something he should have done for his companion. His companion and her girlfriends act as though he owes her something. She has bestowed a gift on him that comes with a price and long tightly woven strings.

From that first encounter on he is determined that this is going to become a regular part of his life. It felt damn good!  The rest of his teens are about lots of sweet fumbling’s in semi-public places, always hurried so they don’t get caught. Because that would be shameful and embarrassing.

He spends his 20’s gathering experience, conquest after conquest, satisfying only because they end in ejaculation, if not a marathon event. He may give the occasional thought to the fact that his partner is pretty much in charge of her own pleasure, but hey, no one has ever complained, Right? He is lead very much by his penis, even if he wanted to slow down, he’s not sure it’s even possible. Besides, this is what all his mates are doing too.

He arrives at his 30’s and he falls in love with a beautiful girl and he wants to please her in every way. He’s actually thinking in terms of emotional connectivity for the first time in his life, but because he’s never had it he has no idea where to start, how to create it.

Suddenly sex is about her, he wants only to pleasure her in ways she’s never known. (Which frankly isn’t hard because she’s been hanging around men just like him and no one has ever taken the time to blow her world apart?) She’s a sweet girl who has her own shame and guilt issues around sex. She’s more than happy to settle for the standard 3 times per week, mixing up the positions between cowgirl and missionary for variety. She finds it uncomfortable to discuss sex and wouldn’t even admit to fantasising and finds his desire for sex every day animalistic and his deepest fantasy for a threesome just plain disgusting! Which she tells him in no uncertain terms.

They start on a sexual high but it soon dwindles away to mediocre at best.

He resorts to porn to provide the stimulus that’s missing from his regular diet. He feels guilty for wanting more, for his desire for the type of sex he sees in movies where it appears the women are literally climbing the bedheads and walls behind them, moaning in ecstasy amid the loudest multiple orgasms on record.

Amid the babies, juggling dual careers and chores at home his partner  feels his desire for sex is just another demand on her and closes down, now the sex is once a week if they are lucky and lacking any real connection.

He feels guilty for feeling the need to express his love in a physical way, he loves this woman and can’t imagine being with anyone else but craves the physical intimacy and connection that’s missing from his relationship with his wife. He’s seriously considering having an affair, which he feels guilty about.

They both find that sexual expression becomes entwined with anger.

It’s impossible for a man to feel empowered as a lover, to truly experience the deep intimate connection with his partner while he’s feeling the weight of this guilt and shame, whilst he feels that somehow his needs are wrong.