First time sex

 

This blog post is written in response to a question asked of me recently. What hints would I give someone considering having sex for the first time?

Wow, that’s a huge question and weighted with so much responsibility.

I really had to spend some time thinking about this, it’s been a few years since my first time, and although it wasn’t horrible, it also wasn’t anything special. In order to answer this question I needed to think about my two sons and what I would want them to know, consider and feel before their first time.

I’m not necessarily an advocate for waiting until marriage, unless that’s something that feels right for you. What I am an advocate for is making thoughtful, informed, responsible decisions, sharing your body for the first time with someone who you have a connection with and viewing sex as an extension of intimacy and connection. The decision also needs to be something that the individual’s involved both feel happy and comfortable about. No coercion, no guilt, no emotional blackmail.

My very first thought was be sure you are doing this for the right reasons.

I’ve seen too many young girls having sex before they are ready simply because the boy wants sex. I don’t believe that there is a right or wrong age for us to begin engaging in sexual experiences, (assuming both parties are above the age of consent) but I do believe that each of us has an age when we are emotionally mature enough to deal with the emotional fall out of the experience. For women especially, sex tends to be an emotional event.

Understand that sex is something you should be entering into first for your own pleasure. Not to give someone else pleasure. Sex is not a gift you give someone because they want or “need” it. It is not a currency to be used to control, own or bind someone.

It is an expression of a connection between two people who want to express that connection in a deeply intimate and physical way. It’s a giving of yourself, an opening of yourself to another in a deeply vulnerable way; it’s laying yourself open and bare to someone. If you aren’t ready to do that then you probably aren’t ready for sex.

If you are in that place and you think that this person is the person you want to share yourself and your body with then I’d be asking myself the following questions.

·         Do I respect this person? Do they respect me? I’m not talking about crushing on them or thinking they are hot, I’m talking about do we have similar values, do I understand and respect their opinions on life and the world.

·         Does this person treat you the way you would like to be treated?  ALL THE TIME.

·         Is this person someone I’d be proud to introduce to my grandmother?

·         If this relationship goes pear shaped and we break up will I still be happy that this person was the first person I shared my body with?

Assuming that the answer to all these questions is yes and you have made the decision to share your body with them then you need to prepare yourself with some knowledge.

1.       Be safe, take responsibility for protection yourself regardless of what your partner does or tells you they are doing. That might mean condoms AND the pill are being used. Excellent.

2.       Talk, Talk, Talk. Discuss sexually transmitted diseases. Have you both been tested? Are you prepared for the event of a pregnancy? What is your position on termination, adoption, raising a child? Have either of you ever had any negative experiences around sex? (If you are not comfortable discussing sex then you shouldn’t be having it, and yes there are plenty of adults that fall into this category too!)

3.       Educate yourself and each other. Learn about your bodies, your anatomy, what the function is of the various parts of your genitals. What’s the Glans, What’s the function of the clitoris, what’s the most sensitive part of each or your bodies? You can be doing some show and tell, touch and feel experimenting while you learn.

The big day: Make sure you have a whole evening or afternoon with no interruptions guaranteed.

Relax. Take it slow, spend plenty of time exploring each other’s bodies, talk to each other about what feels good. Have an attitude of discovery. Sex should be beautiful and fun. If it’s not then stop, immediately. Understand that sex is not just penetration. Sex is everything that happens of a sexual intention or nature. Kissing, fondling, sucking, masturbating, watching someone else masturbate, all are a part of the sexual act.

Understand that for a woman the arousal process takes much longer than for a man, you should be spending lots of time kissing and caressing and playing with each other. (I’m talking about no less than 40/60 minutes before any attempt at penetration with anything!)

Take turns at both giving and receiving pleasure.  Ask yourself and discuss how do I best like to receive pleasure, How do you best like receiving. How do I best enjoy giving pleasure, how do you best like giving?

Now, if there is a teenage boy involved in this interaction he’s probably going to be telling you he can’t wait another minute longer by now. (In fact older men sometimes have the same opinion) That’s too bad! Don’t ever be afraid to ask for what you want or need. No one is going to look after your pleasure like you will. And here’s a little secret I’m going to share. Men judge how good a sexual experience is by how much you enjoy it. If the woman has an amazing time and loves the experience, he will think it’s the best sex he’s ever had. True story. So if you are not putting your pleasure first you are dooming both of you to a mediocre experience. (This is not an indicator that you should fake it, never fake it. You are only doing yourself a disservice because if your partner thinks you enjoyed something that you didn’t then they will keep doing that! And you will be faking it forever more!)

At every stage you should be talking and asking questions of each other.

“Is it Ok if I……..”

“I would like to……..now, is that OK”

“Next I want to……., are you ok with that?”

This is called consent, it’s a great way to check that you and your partner are on the same page about what’s happening and about what’s about to happen next, and it’s a sexy fun way of letting them know what your intentions are. (Don’t we do exactly this during phone sex or sexting?)

As the woman, I would aim for orgasm before actual penetration, for a few reasons, one; he probably isn’t going to be able to last very long once actual penetration takes place (unless he’s more experienced) two; you will be more relaxed and ready for penetration after an orgasm, three; Manual stimulation or oral stimulation are the most reliable ways for a woman to reach an orgasm anyway. (I’m making some assumptions here that you have achieved orgasm through masturbation on your own previously and so have no problems with achieving orgasm)

When you are ready for actual penetration and the woman should decide when this is, guide him in, and take it slow. For most women these days there is minimal if any pain or bleeding as the hymen breaks (assuming it’s even still intact)but take it slow anyway, just because it’s delicious to feel that slow teasing entry.

Start with long slow strokes, alternate between 5 to 6 long slow strokes, then 5 to 6 faster strokes. Slow down each time you feel close to orgasm, now is not the time to race for the finish line.

Understand that if this is his first time too, the actual penetration part of sex may not last very long, and that’s OK. He’ll also recover quickly and be ready to start again.

The most important thing I would want for my boys first times are that it’s a fun and joyful experience that leaves them feeling connected and intimate with their partner.