you are in the relationship you deserve
Sooooo, I've had this post floating around in my head for awhile and it's probably going to be a little confronting to some people, still, I think it's a conversation that needs to happen.
You get the relationship you deserve.
(Please note I'm using gendered terms in this post but it's true of both genders!)
If your relationship is disconnected, unloving, dissatisfying, unfulfilling, and yes even manipulative, controlling or abusive.....you need to look at yourself.
What is it about yourself that has brought that about. Created it. Allowed it. (Especially take note if you've had several of these relationships as that's now a pattern!)
(And I am not victim blaming here, so stay with me!)
Underperforming, Half arsed men who don't show up (and yes, this includes disordered and dysfunctional men) seek out a woman with low self esteem (or who are dysfunctional and disordered themselves.) Why? Because she'll put up with his lack of effort and crappy behaviour. She'll keep trying to make it work long after someone who loved herself would have walked away. She'll even blame herself (or believe him when he tells her it's her fault) for why it's not working.
A woman who knows her value, who loves herself and her life, who has firm boundaries, looks like hard work to these guys. And a guy who's not willing to do the work and really show up in a relationship doesn't want to be with someone who expects him to work hard, that just makes him feel inadequate, emasculated and powerless.....so he looks for easier prey, someone who'll accept less. Someone who makes him feel good without his effort.
Seriously......this extends across to those who have affairs too. There are two major reasons men have affairs: He's lazy, or he's a coward.
Too lazy to do the work to improve his relationship with his wife and so would rather look elsewhere, or a coward and won't leave a relationship that no longer fulfils him.....so what does he do? He looks for a woman with low self esteem who'll accept his lack of effort and has an affair with her. Someone to make him feel good and meet his needs but doesn't expect him to show up.
Furthermore, the greatest protection a woman has from abusive men is firm boundaries. Abusers stretch boundaries early in a relationship to see if they can control you. The firmer your boundaries the less likely it is that an abuser will stick around.
Firm boundaries come from recognising your own value. High self worth.
This is how we protect our daughters.
So ladies, if a guy tells you that you are hard work, thank him and move on. He's just told you some valuable information about himself.
If you are in a relationship that's not fulfilling, doesn't excite you to be in it, feels disconnected, unloving.......someone's not showing up. Someone's not doing the work.
Want help with boundaries, building your self worth or creating a connected, switched on, relationship? Get in touch!
You get the relationship you deserve.
(Please note I'm using gendered terms in this post but it's true of both genders!)
If your relationship is disconnected, unloving, dissatisfying, unfulfilling, and yes even manipulative, controlling or abusive.....you need to look at yourself.
What is it about yourself that has brought that about. Created it. Allowed it. (Especially take note if you've had several of these relationships as that's now a pattern!)
(And I am not victim blaming here, so stay with me!)
Underperforming, Half arsed men who don't show up (and yes, this includes disordered and dysfunctional men) seek out a woman with low self esteem (or who are dysfunctional and disordered themselves.) Why? Because she'll put up with his lack of effort and crappy behaviour. She'll keep trying to make it work long after someone who loved herself would have walked away. She'll even blame herself (or believe him when he tells her it's her fault) for why it's not working.
A woman who knows her value, who loves herself and her life, who has firm boundaries, looks like hard work to these guys. And a guy who's not willing to do the work and really show up in a relationship doesn't want to be with someone who expects him to work hard, that just makes him feel inadequate, emasculated and powerless.....so he looks for easier prey, someone who'll accept less. Someone who makes him feel good without his effort.
Seriously......this extends across to those who have affairs too. There are two major reasons men have affairs: He's lazy, or he's a coward.
Too lazy to do the work to improve his relationship with his wife and so would rather look elsewhere, or a coward and won't leave a relationship that no longer fulfils him.....so what does he do? He looks for a woman with low self esteem who'll accept his lack of effort and has an affair with her. Someone to make him feel good and meet his needs but doesn't expect him to show up.
Furthermore, the greatest protection a woman has from abusive men is firm boundaries. Abusers stretch boundaries early in a relationship to see if they can control you. The firmer your boundaries the less likely it is that an abuser will stick around.
Firm boundaries come from recognising your own value. High self worth.
This is how we protect our daughters.
So ladies, if a guy tells you that you are hard work, thank him and move on. He's just told you some valuable information about himself.
If you are in a relationship that's not fulfilling, doesn't excite you to be in it, feels disconnected, unloving.......someone's not showing up. Someone's not doing the work.
Want help with boundaries, building your self worth or creating a connected, switched on, relationship? Get in touch!
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