What does showing up look like?
Why don't people show up in relationships?
Well, for similar reasons that they don't show up in the rest of their lives. It's hard work. (Note: There's a small percentage of people who simply aren't capable because of mental illness, disorder or brain damage.)
Meaning it takes self reflection and committed effort. It doesn't just happen.
The Beatles got it wrong. Love isn't all you need.
What does showing up in a relationship look like?
It's consistently owning your own stuff, it's the ability to say "Hey, I feel like I want to withdraw, or that really hurt me, or I reacted to that with anger and i know that is my stuff. I know that there's a reason why I reacted that way and I'm going to work out why and see if I can change my patterns."
It's consistently being present and holding space when your partner has a similar reaction. "Hey, I see that this is difficult for you, that something about this situation is triggering you. I love you and I'm here for you while you work this out."
It's recognising "The relationship" is the third entity in your partnership and demonstrating commitment to it by investing time and effort to grow, deepen and improve it. "I'm going to commit to a weekly date night, long slow sex dates, or daily expressions of appreciation for my partner because it deepens our connection and it strengthens "the relationship." It's being willing to do the maintenance.
It's in supporting and giving the other person the space to pursue ALL of their goals and dreams, and in you confronting any discomfort that might bring up for you, yourself. "I'm excited that you've been offered this opportunity. We'll work out a way together for you to spend 6 months in Antarctica." Then later, "I've realised that you pursuing this dream is making me uncomfortable and I'm going to think about why that is. Perhaps it means I've got some goals I'm not working on myself and would really like to."
It's in respect and admiration for the other. It's not griping or denigrating behind your partners back. There's no running them down in comical ways when you are out with your friends.
If there's an issue it's discussed directly with your partner. "Hey, I felt really pissed off when you wouldn't take the kids to swimming lessons. It felt like I was doing more than my fair share of the workload because I've been running them around all day. I feel like we've had this conversation before so I'm beginning to feel unheard and as though you don't value my efforts."
It's in being true equals in the relationship. One person doesn't carry the burden for the stewardship of the relationship, or the physical workload, or the emotional workload or responsibility for the machinations of daily life. It's shared and each is respected for what they bring.
It's in truth telling and sharing how you are really feeling. Vulnerability and authenticity are given and accepted. Truth is more important than preserving the relationship.
It's in the willingness to hear the truth too. Even when it's uncomfortable. "Hey, I feel as though you don't find me physically attractive when you admire other men in my presence. I know I'm insecure about my looks and I'm working on that, but I just want you to know that it does affect me."
It's in dealing with conflict in a connected, loving and open way. There is no avoidance of the difficult conversations or disappearance emotionally or physically when things are tough. "Hey, I'm feeling really disconnected from you lately and I'm worried because I've noticed that I'm feeling more attracted to other people. I'd really like to work on our relationship to improve it because I love you and I'm committed to making our relationship something special."
It's in apologising and owning our own stuff when there is the inevitable arguments or fights. "Hey, I'm sorry. I said things that I shouldn't have said in the heat of an argument and I know I hurt you. I'm sorry and I'm going to try some different techniques to ensure I don't behave in that way again."
It's also in practicing independence, self care and having a life and interests of your own, rather than being codependent.
Well, for similar reasons that they don't show up in the rest of their lives. It's hard work. (Note: There's a small percentage of people who simply aren't capable because of mental illness, disorder or brain damage.)
Meaning it takes self reflection and committed effort. It doesn't just happen.
The Beatles got it wrong. Love isn't all you need.
What does showing up in a relationship look like?
It's consistently owning your own stuff, it's the ability to say "Hey, I feel like I want to withdraw, or that really hurt me, or I reacted to that with anger and i know that is my stuff. I know that there's a reason why I reacted that way and I'm going to work out why and see if I can change my patterns."
It's consistently being present and holding space when your partner has a similar reaction. "Hey, I see that this is difficult for you, that something about this situation is triggering you. I love you and I'm here for you while you work this out."
It's recognising "The relationship" is the third entity in your partnership and demonstrating commitment to it by investing time and effort to grow, deepen and improve it. "I'm going to commit to a weekly date night, long slow sex dates, or daily expressions of appreciation for my partner because it deepens our connection and it strengthens "the relationship." It's being willing to do the maintenance.
It's in supporting and giving the other person the space to pursue ALL of their goals and dreams, and in you confronting any discomfort that might bring up for you, yourself. "I'm excited that you've been offered this opportunity. We'll work out a way together for you to spend 6 months in Antarctica." Then later, "I've realised that you pursuing this dream is making me uncomfortable and I'm going to think about why that is. Perhaps it means I've got some goals I'm not working on myself and would really like to."
It's in respect and admiration for the other. It's not griping or denigrating behind your partners back. There's no running them down in comical ways when you are out with your friends.
If there's an issue it's discussed directly with your partner. "Hey, I felt really pissed off when you wouldn't take the kids to swimming lessons. It felt like I was doing more than my fair share of the workload because I've been running them around all day. I feel like we've had this conversation before so I'm beginning to feel unheard and as though you don't value my efforts."
It's in being true equals in the relationship. One person doesn't carry the burden for the stewardship of the relationship, or the physical workload, or the emotional workload or responsibility for the machinations of daily life. It's shared and each is respected for what they bring.
It's in truth telling and sharing how you are really feeling. Vulnerability and authenticity are given and accepted. Truth is more important than preserving the relationship.
It's in the willingness to hear the truth too. Even when it's uncomfortable. "Hey, I feel as though you don't find me physically attractive when you admire other men in my presence. I know I'm insecure about my looks and I'm working on that, but I just want you to know that it does affect me."
It's in dealing with conflict in a connected, loving and open way. There is no avoidance of the difficult conversations or disappearance emotionally or physically when things are tough. "Hey, I'm feeling really disconnected from you lately and I'm worried because I've noticed that I'm feeling more attracted to other people. I'd really like to work on our relationship to improve it because I love you and I'm committed to making our relationship something special."
It's in apologising and owning our own stuff when there is the inevitable arguments or fights. "Hey, I'm sorry. I said things that I shouldn't have said in the heat of an argument and I know I hurt you. I'm sorry and I'm going to try some different techniques to ensure I don't behave in that way again."
It's also in practicing independence, self care and having a life and interests of your own, rather than being codependent.
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