How to Love a Man

I'm not a fan of polarising the sexes or dividing with comments like "men are from Mars, women are from Venus," I believe that these types of comments allow both sexes off the hook. It acts like a hall pass to give up. "Oh well, he's a man, what do you expect?" Or "Ofcourse she got emotional, she's a woman." It seeks to divide rather than unite. 

As a counsellor, coach, being a Lifeline counsellor and hearing countless stories, I can assure you men need emotional connection just as much as women do.  

They seek it in different ways than women do, for reasons that are related to society, role models, family history and even their history in their current relationship. 

Because of this we women need to express love differently in order to ensure we are meeting our Lover's needs.

He needs to feel like your hero: 

From an evolutionary perspective men are our hunters, our explorers, our warriors, and to this day they still love to protect us and provide for us. Ask any man and he will tell you, he wants to make his partner happy. Men who feel they are failing in this area often struggle with self esteem and in some cultures this is even more prevalent. 

Express appreciation to show him he's your hero. Look for opportunities. 

He needs to feel masculine: 

He needs permission to be masculine. 

He needs to know you appreciate and enjoy his masculinity, whether that be his height, his broad chest, his shoulders, his sexuality, how he looks working out, his strength, his male scent, his endurance, the way he provides for you and his children. 

Note that men tie their masculinity to two things - sex and being your hero. 

He can feel masculine because he opens jars, earns good money, fixes things around the house or meets your sexual needs. Enable him to feel masculine. 

He needs to know you desire him:

He wants to see you looking at him as though he's a big juicy steak (sorry vego's....imagine the tastiest, yummiest thing you've ever eaten sitting on a plate in front of you and you'll have the right look 😊) 

Seriously, he needs to feel desired too. His sexual drive is fed through your pleasure. 

Ask any man and they'll tell you that watching their woman enjoy themselves and knowing they are bringing her pleasure is their biggest turn on. Tell him you desire him. Act like you desire him. Express your appreciation for his sexuality. 

He needs to feel appreciated:

Criticism kills men's desire to be present in relationships. I genuinely believe that men deal with criticism differently than women because of their need to be our heroes and their need to feel masculine, I find that criticism shits men down even more than women. 

Look for more positive ways to offer feedback about what's not working for you in the relationship. Never criticise. 

He needs to feel heard:

Create a place where he can drop the mask. Where it's safe for him to be vulnerable and still be both masculine and your hero. 

Listen. Don't provide solutions. Don't criticise. Just listen.

Don't shy away from him showing his emotions. You may only ever get one shot at this and if he senses you are frightened or turned off by him being emotionally vulnerable, it's unlikely he'll ever feel safe to share that side of himself with you again. Some women are very uncomfortable with a man showing his deeper or softer side because of their own social conditioning......and this perpetrates the problem between couples. Men then narrow the range of emotions they are prepared to show, often to anger, aggression, frustration. The negative emotions that society condones from men. Validate your man and create a safe container to express whatever he is feeling. 

Ladies, here's an experiment for you to try. Set the alarm on your phone for 10.26am each day. Call it "Random moment of appreciation," use this as a reminder to send your man a text each day telling him something you appreciate about him. Alternate between simple appreciation for who he is, what he does and the odd juicy sexy appreciation too. 

Here's an example "I just wanted to say I love your intelligence, the conversations we have always make me view the world differently" or "I love watching you work out, it always reminds me how strong, sexy and masculine you are" or "I love how much you enjoy oral sex, it turns me on to hear how much you enjoy it" or "I love how you always see the best in people. I want you to know that your kindness is one of the things I love most about you." 

Watch how your man responds. 

(Disclaimer - all advice and activities should only be considered within the context of a healthy and functional relationship. No one should ever jump through hoops to appease an abusive, controlling or manipulative partner.)